PAPAS & MAMAS
1: Temper Tantrums2: Autism V
3: Fun-damentals of Play
4: Three good things for the environment that make economical sense
5: Life Without
6: Editor's Note
The newsletter from Parents Association of Kodomo no Ie
No.35 March 2009 Editor: Yu
Temper Tantrums
by Greg HarrisonI'm going to start with this: I don't know all the answers. I think I'm a pretty good dad, and of course, I could be a better dad. This is about me. I am not questioning anyone else's parenting. I'm just trying to figure this out for me.
Recently, I've been thinking about temper tantrums. We all have experiences with temper tantrums. But what I'm thinking about is not when our kids have tantrums. I'm thinking about when we, the "grown-ups", have tantrums. When I use the term "tantrum" I'm thinking about when a level of anger, or response is out of proportion to the circumstances. And so I wonder about this specific point: "Can I be a parent without yelling?"
The reason I ask this is that I am concerned that in my efforts to provide structure and discipline I sometimes yell, and that could be counterproductive. It's great when our children learn our positive traits, but do we acknowledge the opposite? People (and animals) acquire all sorts of behavior from our parents. And I feel terrible when I recognize my own angry patterns in my children.
So why do I yell at my kids? Sometimes it has less to do with their actions and more to do with my own frustrations. For instance, I'm a nut about punctuality, and I get stressed even when I'm simply "on-time". (I only truly feel "on time" when I'm early – at least 5 minutes). Recently we cut it too close getting my son Kazuo to school on time. We left our home about 3 minutes later than my "must leave no later than time", and we arrived at the school at 8:46am, about one minute late. As soon as I sensed that we might be late, I was very frustrated and I took it out on my kids. I raised my voice, I barked at them, and was very huffy. We shuffled into the school and managed to squeeze in on-time (even though we were a minute late).
The crazy part is that my kids are actually very easy-going wonderful kids! They are great kids! In fact, when you think about it, all kids
are great, beautiful kids. And kids, gosh darn it, act like kids. And sometime they push your limits, even when they are being good kids. I try to be easy-going and supportive. I really do. I try to thank my kids and praise them when they are good. And for the most part, I think I do okay. But there are times, usually when I'm trying to get something done, and suddenly their agenda (being a kid) clashes with my agenda. Maybe they want to play outside in the neighborhood, but I want to start dinner (something constructive), or I want to check my email messages (okay, maybe not so important), or something else. I'll try to do watch them and do my thing, or I realize I can't do both. Or perhaps they are doing something that they really shouldn't be doing – maybe even something that I've asked them not to do (let's say drawing on the walls). I can see myself yelling at them. HEY! WHAT ARE YOU GUYS DOING? YOU CAN'T DRAW ON THE WALLS!
Kids know enough about good and bad, but sometimes they do things even when they know better. But this is what kids do! And I'm the crazy dad that gets upset and yells! And lately I've been thinking about this temper of mine. I've been thinking about the negative ramifications of raising my voice – even when I'm right. Yes, my kid went over the line, but did I really need to raise my voice? What is my goal in yelling? Is this the best way to raise them? I'm not saying it's okay for kids to write on walls. I'm just wondering what is the best way to react to it.
And what about being late for school? Can I really be mad at my kids for this? (I checked with the DMV and even the six year old is too young to drive). Punctuality is important, yes. It's good for me to instill a concern about being punctual. But ultimately, it's my fault we were late for school. (As I write this, I realize, for goodness sakes, they're still learning how to read a clock!) Yes, this has to be my fault. And so I have to take some steps to improve our morning routine, and perhaps earlier bedtimes, so that we can be on time.
But this gets back to my main question: "Can I be a parent without yelling?" Is it even possible? And so for the past 7 days, I've been challenging myself to not yell, no matter what. So far, I have done surprisingly well (I've been close a few times, but so far so good). It is very challenging. One thing I've noticed is that quite a few things fall under the category of "annoyances". Normally I'd ask them to knock it off. ("Stop hitting the couch with your light saber; Don't climb on the wall; Don't touch your brothers face). I've been trying to put myself in their shoes. My sons like to hit things, or touch things or climb on things or take things apart, and so on. If it's simply annoying me, I'm going to try to let it go. The same goes for being loud. Kids are loud. I'm going to try to let it go. If I can't let it go, I try to ask them to lower the volume, or stop hitting or whatever. I try to speak to them with respect. It's actually been surprisingly effective, although admittedly, I've been living with more annoyances. I've been trying to just let them go. I am still engaging in parental discipline, but I'm just not yelling. I think it is a good thing. I'm going to keep working on it.
Autism V
by Kumiko AnicichiThis concludes a series of the autism articles. The previous articles enriched us with better understandings of autism through the writer's own experience along with technical explanation on early intervention and treatment.
So, that's what I try to do everyday with my son. I watch for signs of his dys-regulations and triggers. When I can foresee possible triggers, I try to avoid them or warn his teachers. When I see he is dys-regulated, I ask him to do some exercises to regulate himself or simply take him to a park. His Special Ed teacher asked me once whether I was interested in medicating him when he was 3, I said "No". Not only I don't like medicines that might have side effects, I want him to learn the skills to live with his differences. I don't want him to grow up to be a weak person to depend on quick fixers like drugs, alcohol, etc. that let him run away from the reality. So, I get through every day while dreaming that he might turn out to be said-to-be-autistic geniuses like Einstein, Bill Gates, etc. some day.
What I'm debating right now is whether or not to try the gluten-free and dairy-free diet. Some of you might have heard about this diet approach to "cure" autism because an actress Jenny McCarthy recently published a book titled "Louder than Words" on her life with her autistic son and had tremendous media exposure. Most doctors say that it is not scientifically proven it works, but I believe more in mother's gut feelings. (There are scientific proofs among the ASD-specialized doctors who are implementing biomedical interventions such as this diet. Go to www.autism.com for more info.) I also have seen positive results recently in one of my daughter's classmates. I put the idea of trying this diet aside 3 years ago because it is a lot of work and I was told then that it hadn't been much affective to children like my son. Well, I went to a seminar the other day and this time, I heard that high-functioning children like my son had had positive results. Because each individual is different, you never know whether it works with your child until you try it, I was told. I prefer "regretting after doing" to "regretting without doing," so I'm sure I'll eventually try the diet. Do I want to add this cooking work to my current work load? Of course, not. Do I love my son enough to do whatever it takes? Of course! If there's anything worth telling after I try the diet, I'll give you another report in the future issues of Papas & Mamas.
Fun-damentals of Play
by Robert BarrThe clock ticks frantically down to the last few seconds. Young feet full of energy bound in all directions searching to advance and defend as the player with the ball gets near shooting range to the goal. The buzzer rings and one team cheers and the other frowns a bit but with some helpful guidance from their coach and supportive parents that they indeed played their best and should feel pride for doing so. Youth sports can be an ego building experience for kids and help prepare them for life's coming challenges, and help them to build working dynamics with others and co-ordinate themselves as a team and also allow them to shine as an individual when their skills also help the group benefit.
"Winning isn't everything." I'd say yes and no. An obsession on always winning or doing whatever it takes to win can lead to a path of unethical behavior and unrealistic expectations for children who may be quite shocked when their efforts yield a loss. Unfortunately, some parents also lose focus on the priorities and will spend huge sums of money and place an enormous amount of burden on the child to succeed. Where we live there are tons of "Pay to Play" sports programs and I feel prey upon parents' fears, hopes and desires that their child might be the next Tiger Woods. I know the way the economy is going I sometimes feel that my oldest son's only chance for going to college would be on a basketball scholarship.
Youth sports not only can teach kids to how to deal with disappointments like losing a game but can also be a bonding experience for parents. My sons are involved with several sports: karate, city basketball and the L.A. Hawks soccer club. I admit soccer is by far not my favorite sport, but it is great to get out on a Sunday morning with the boys and have them run around for a few hours. The team is an all volunteer team with parents helping out; some act as coaches, others with putting up and taking down equipment and playing scrimmage games with the older boys. The Hawks have 3 sets of teams divided by age groups. Currently the largest group is the middle team (ages 6-9.) There's an older team 9-12 and a youngster team for under 6. I had a fun experience Coaching the under 6 team one day when the regular Coach couldn't be there. One child thought differently and said, "You're scary." I laughed. I had to agree. At 6 foot 1 and rather gruff looking I might as well be Bigfoot from his point of view. This is what I like about the Hawks. It's what Youth Sports is supposed to be about. Kids playing, learning new skills with their friends and parents teaching and reminding themselves that it's OK to run around and be a kid.
One of the other problems is always balancing monetary cost for worth while endeavors. The L.A. Hawks has been very reasonable on my budget as out-of-pocket has mostly been for a shirt uniform, some sports pants, shoes, a soccer ball, a first time admission fee and the occasional tournament fee when the Hawks participate. I hope you can come out and play with the kids and parents soon on a Sunday morning (9am) at Camino Grove Elementary soccer field in Arcadia.
Three good things for the environment that make economical sense
by Nami Hayashi1. Plant California native plants.
Creating a beautiful English or Japanese garden could be a dream to some homeowners. But these types of landscaping schemes require much water for Southern California's dry climate and maintenance as the pests might not have naturally existing predators. Reluctantly, some of you might have resorted to the use of chemical to combat the pests that damage plants not native to California. Although it might take you a while to acquire a new taste and change your preference, California friendly landscaping makes sense ecologically and for the sake of water conservation. What are the native plants anyway, you might ask. There are surprisingly many kinds of plants that are native to California. Why don't you give yourself a chance to get to know them?Visit Rancho Santa Ana Botanic Garden ( www.rsbg.org) in Claremont. The whole garden is a showcase of California friendly landscaping. You could also learn how-tos on gardening with California native plants and its maintenance. In Sun Valley, there is a garden shop, the Theodore Payne foundation (www.theodorepayne.org) specializing in California native plants. Their knowledgeable staff will help you with the selection of plants and share maintenance tips. They provide workshops on various garden topics as well.
2. Replace incandescent lights with compact florescent lights.
As this suggestion has been widely promoted, chances are that you have at least one of those coiled kinds often given at environmental events. As you know, compact florescent lights (CFLs) could use up to 75% less electricity and last 10 times as compared to the incandescent lights. They are particularly effective in rooms like the living room and kitchen where lights are on for a period of time. There are all kinds of CFLs available including outdoor use. So as each of your incandescent lights in the house is burned out, you could replace it with a CFL. The price is slightly higher than incandescent counterparts but if you think about the savings on electricity and the longevity, the return of investment comes quicker than you think. Of course, be sure to turn lights off where not used.One word of caution: as you might know, CFLs contain a small amount of mercury. Handle with care so it won't be broken. The spent CFLs need to be disposed as household hazardous waste. Some jurisdictions such as Pasadena have its own program to make it easy for the residents.
3.Whenever possible, consider alternatives for things discarded after one-time use.
Disposable tableware and utensilsIf you are coordinating a meeting or potluck, why don't you consider asking the participants to bring their own utensils? This may not work for large gatherings such as a party or event but for some, it could become customary if they get used to bringing their own cups at smaller get-togethers.
Paper Towels
Many of us think paper towels are must-haves for its convenience – wipe and throw away. If you think about it, however, you could easily use an old T-shirt and worn-out towels for cleaning. Maybe you could make rags as accessible as you'd reach for paper towels.
Water Bottles
Purchasing bottled water on the go has becomes a way of life, but receptacles for recyclables are not always accessible in public places. A study shows that half of plastic bottles in California end up in landfills. Some use the same plastic bottles over and over but that is not recommended because of the nature of plastic bottles. Why don't you consider purchasing reusable water bottles? (by Hayashi)
Life Without
by Michiko YuPerhaps the only thing I can be proud of in my household is that we can manage without having things. For instance, we don't have a TV. My friend once asked me if it was because of financial difficulty. It is not. We realized that we could live spiritually richer this way. Of course, I am aware that TV is a convenient tool to keep the kids occupied, so that I could do my work. However, we discovered that we could get through a day without TV, thus we chose not to have one. As a result, our children interact with each other more frequently: fighting, crying and screaming to the extent the noise hurt my ears. After all, the children are learning to negotiate, when to yield and so on. With all these life's lessons they are getting, I come to accept the life with the loud background noises. Having no TV, our children spend more time reading books, too. Having let go of TV, now our family enjoys a game called, niramekko (making a face game). Two people sit face to face and glare at each other until one bursts out laughing and loses. Even my fourth child, at the age of three, can play and she is really good at it; she could beat her daddy. Come to think of it, it is rare that one would stare at somebody's face so long and so closely. Although I have been with my husband for 10 years now, this game made me realize that I have never seen his face so closely. I can never beat my husband who, I think, has such a funny face.
Another thing I don't have is a clothes dryer. Why use a machine to dry laundry in LA, such a dry climate? I love to see my laundry swaying in the sun. The more laundry I put out, the more sense of satisfaction I get. With four kids, I have a lot of laundry. I should enjoy the task while it lasts as one by one, my kids will leave the nest and I will be hanging the clothes for only two people.
We don't buy white rice. We have been eating brown rice for a year. It just so happened when my husband once bought brown rice by mistake. At that time, I didn't know how to cook brown rice and went on and on for ten minutes, "You don't even know the right rice to buy? How can we eat such terrible tasting rice!" A few days later, I found a cook book at a KNI yard sale, from which I learned how to make brown rice sprouts. Thanks to whoever donated the book to the yard sale, we have been eating home-sprouted brown rice since then. Sprouted brown rice is easy to digest and we are able to absorb more minerals from it. Besides, I feel like we are getting life's energy from fresh sprouted grains. When I cook sprouted brown rice, I just put a little bit more water than white rice, and use a regular rice cooker. I make onigiri, fried rice, or anything I used to make with white rice. See below for how to sprout brown rice.
The list goes on. We don't have an air conditioner or central heating system. When it's cold, we wear more until we stop feeling cold, and when it's hot, we use an either electrical or manual fans. We'd rather try to adjust our body to suit the natural climate than changing the temperature artificially to be comfortable. But when we have guests in our house, I feel badly for them. Should I get one installed?
Lastly, we don't have plastic grocery bags, and not to mention paper bags. When I go grocery shopping, I carry my cooler box in the shopping cart so that after I pay I can simply put all the grocery into the cooler box without plastic bags. I even reuse small plastic bags by using them carefully and turn inside out after each use to dry them up.
In the beginning, I said this is something I am proud of; probably far from it. But a life without these things makes me content. I am living without--not for the environment, as some of you might have suspected, but for myself.
How to sprout brown rice
1. Soak brown rice in water over night
2. Drain the water with a colander and wash the rice with running water.
3. Cover the rice in a colander with plastic bag but do not seal.
4. Keep it in a warm place but avoid the direct sunlight. In summer, rice sprouts 1 mm in about 10 hours in room temperature. In winter, I put it in the oven that is warm from the pilot light. When temperature is low it takes longer, and the rice needs to be washed every 5, 6 hours.
You can harvest brown rice when it sprouts to 1mm. If you leave the rice longer, it keeps on sprouting and becomes bitter. Refrigerate to stop the sprouting.
Editor's Note
Encho sensei, who has being doing so much for us, is going to have surgery. What can we do for her? Praying comes to mind. You may not be religious but I'd like to believe our sincere prayers would surely be listened to. I wish Encho sensei a speedy recovery.Backnumber
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